Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
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[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.