Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

The morning after pill, but for tweets

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok