Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

m’lady

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening