Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

the #horror is real!

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes