Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

RT if you could go either way.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out