Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”