Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

I’m having an out of money experience.

Remorse?

I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.