Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.