Born to be mild.
You Might Also Like
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Can. I. Help. You.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies