Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
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Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Raisins are grape jerky.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.