@WenzlerPowers

Someone told me that Harry Potter is supposed to take place between 1991 and 1998 which is ridiculous because not once in seven books does a single character say, “Man the Chicago Bulls are having a hell of a run huh?”.

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@BarlowAdams

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

@WilliamRodgers

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

@ThisLocalHater

Don’t forget to wash your hands before assaulting a senior citizen over a can of green beans today

@VodkaThursday

My bunny thumps at trash collectors. Nice to know that if the Sanitation Dept. ever has ill intentions, she won’t stand for any of that shit

@AngelaEhh

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

@zachv86

i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”