9: Can I sleep with you?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Someone told me that Harry Potter is supposed to take place between 1991 and 1998 which is ridiculous because not once in seven books does a single character say, “Man the Chicago Bulls are having a hell of a run huh?”.
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Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Don’t forget to wash your hands before assaulting a senior citizen over a can of green beans today
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My bunny thumps at trash collectors. Nice to know that if the Sanitation Dept. ever has ill intentions, she won’t stand for any of that shit
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”
this is peak humour i will not hear any different.