Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
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My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
6. me as a lawyer
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied