Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then