Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
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the official breakfast of 2021
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.