Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.