Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
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Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️