Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
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[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.