Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
You Might Also Like
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Velcrow
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
subtitles are so good nowadays
