Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
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Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
HR said no more nunchucks.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.