Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

I’m calling the cops.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.