Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.

I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

Your honor these allegations are

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

Daughter: [giving me attitude]

Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.

Daughter: Dad I’m 24.

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history