someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
