someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Oh the world we live in…
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
