Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly