Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.