Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

NASA has no chill

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.