someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
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Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg