someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
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I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.