Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.