Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
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If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I laughed at this way too hard.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Never forget.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV