Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

🤯🤯🤯

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

*walks into a room full of people*

*looks around*

*answers fake phone call*

*leaves*

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home