Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
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me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
