A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
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You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
“When you wish upon a star, it takes trillions of years for the wish to get there, and by that stage you’re dead.” – Neil deGrasse Tyson.