@OhhCathcart

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

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@13spencer

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

@joeljeffrey

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

@Spaziotwat

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

@fro_vo

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

@AndyAsAdjective

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

@bigmacher

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

@better_off_dad2

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

@markleggett

“When you wish upon a star, it takes trillions of years for the wish to get there, and by that stage you’re dead.” – Neil deGrasse Tyson.