Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
You Might Also Like
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Me too 😆
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.