someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
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*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Your secret is safeish with me
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Search History:
Cat armor
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Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂