someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
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i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
omg leave her alone
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.