someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
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Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
My patronus is a cheeseburger
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?
– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.