Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
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employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
welp
