Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
You Might Also Like
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances: