Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

britain’s three elite institutions

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.

Education is vital

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

sign of the times 🖊

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!