Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
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I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Education is vital
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.