Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Erm I’m gonna say no

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

I have taken up painting

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.