Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
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[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus