Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
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My god she’s good.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
“you changed” bro i was 15
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.