Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
You Might Also Like
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
My birthstone is kidney
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?