Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.