Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
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basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats