Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

and now we wait

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

Acronyms got me like WTF?

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it