someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
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Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Am I having a stroke?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.