someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

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My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever


Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.


[ At the grocery store ]

Cashier: Is that everything?

Me: Nope. I got all this invisible shit, too


Spider Island
Day 1: The arachnids are intelligent & friendly hosts. They even built me a hammock to ensure my comfort.
Day 2: I was wrong.


My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️


That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once


If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.


“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.


I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding


Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.