@desusnice

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

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@Phook75

My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

@summerlvn82

[ At the grocery store ]

Cashier: Is that everything?

Me: Nope. I got all this invisible shit, too

@radtoria

Spider Island
Day 1: The arachnids are intelligent & friendly hosts. They even built me a hammock to ensure my comfort.
Day 2: I was wrong.

@michelleDbelle

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

@kjataylor

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

@AmishPornStar1

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

@dundlewood

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

@Shwetangles

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.