Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth