Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

Yo How the f##k you spell Matthew Micconohay

Whoops

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

it’s finally my moment to shine

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie