“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
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So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
uncle dave has been through hell
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*