Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
You Might Also Like
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.