Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
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You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes