Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
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If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.