Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
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[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.