Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
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Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity