Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
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Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Joseph Smith, 1833
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.