Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
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looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
The game has officially changed 😎
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue