Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.