Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
You Might Also Like
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.