Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Inside you there are two wolves
