Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.