Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Netflix and awkward silence?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
At least my masseuse has my back.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
The cake is mightier than the sword.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?